{"id":35072,"date":"2014-05-06T05:00:10","date_gmt":"2014-05-06T12:00:10","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blogs.mcafee.com\/?p=35072"},"modified":"2025-08-27T09:47:19","modified_gmt":"2025-08-27T16:47:19","slug":"consequences-digital-slipups","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.mcafee.com\/blogs\/family-safety\/consequences-digital-slipups\/","title":{"rendered":"What Should the Consequences Be for a Teens’ Digital Slip-Up?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Usually the first question I get from panicked parents who just found something shocking on their child\u2019s phone is, \u201cwhat should the consequence be?\u201d<\/em> It\u2019s also not unusual for them to want to take every piece of technology their child owns and throw it in an industrial-sized meat grinder.<\/p>\n

But let\u2019s hang on a minute and just breathe.<\/p>\n

I too have been there. I\u2019ve held my teen\u2019s phone in my shaking hands with my heart racing and tears hitting my eyes faster than the air could hit my lungs and mumbled something to the affect of \u201chow could this happen . . . my kid is a good kid.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Which is where we must begin.<\/p>\n

Your kid is still a great kid.<\/strong> If you discovered some racy photos or texts, or received a call from the school about digital misconduct involving your child, it doesn\u2019t cancel out the million or so things that make your child the wonderful, decent human being he is. And, his action does not void the bounty of good parenting you\u2019ve poured into him.<\/p>\n

That said, we can move on.<\/p>\n

I view these moments\u2014as painful as they are\u2014as gifts that make me a wiser parent and alert me that I need to recalibrate my parenting truth. I\u2019d rather be realistic about my child than hold the overconfident (and dangerous) picture that he (or she) is somehow \u201cbetter than\u201d or \u201cabove\u201d making human mistakes.<\/p>\n

These moments are rites of passage for parents as well as for kids. Getting \u201ccaught\u201d reminds our child that he is subject to authority and loved enough to be disciplined. And \u201ccatching\u201d a child reminds we parents that our child is growing up and we need to grow up our parenting skills in step.<\/p>\n

Yes, it\u2019s beyond humbling to be abruptly reminded that our once bright-eyed, compliant toddler is growing up (and away from us) and is vulnerable to the same temptations as anyone else. The upside is that experts agree: mistakes create teachable moments that help kids become resilient, wise, discerning adults. By facing the consequences of digital slipups has the potential to establish critical values and build a child\u2019s character.<\/p>\n

Child “Discipline” Suggestions<\/h2>\n

I don\u2019t think it\u2019s ever wise to tell another parent how to discipline a child. Every family is vastly different. But in the Internet safety arena, I can offer some discipline \u201csuggestions\u201d that might help.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0Be calm. <\/strong>If possible, wait a day or two until you can trust yourself not to let anger control the conversation. Vent to a spouse or friend but don\u2019t unleash on your child unless you want a brick wall in response.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0Do the harder thing.<\/strong> This is my personal mom mantra. It\u2019s easy to punish, it\u2019s harder to sit down and have a tough conversation. So, in this case, get your thoughts together and calmly have the bigger conversation that\u2014depending on your family dynamic and value system\u2014will vary from one household to the next.<\/p>\n

\u2022 Be united.<\/strong> Get on the same discipline page with the second parent or guardian. If you present a united, consistent, immovable front, your child will understand expectations and consequences clearly.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0Be careful not to shame.<\/strong> The behavior does not define the child. In talking, stay focused on the behavior or action without making general, personal judgments.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0Be clear on the \u201cwhy.\u201d<\/strong> Explain the risks associated with the behavior and why it\u2019s not allowed. If the topic is sexting then explain the privacy risk of trusting another person as well as the legal risks<\/a> of possessing or sending sexual photos.<\/p>\n

\u2022 Listen.<\/strong> It\u2019s hard to fully listen to a child who just got caught doing something you consider dangerous and just about any reason they give will be reckless to you. However, when a child feels heard and understood, dialogue and relationship grows and that is the bigger parenting goal.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0Empathize.<\/strong> Empathy is difficult when emotion tells you to erupt with a lecture that begins with, \u201cwhen I was growing up . . .\u201d But stop. This conversation is no longer a fair comparison. Thanks to the Internet the gap between your youth and his youth is as large as the Grand Canyon. So try to put yourself your child\u2019s shoes and listen. Then really try to empathize with the pressures of the digital culture teens face daily.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0Restrict devices.\u00a0<\/strong>Depending on the situation, the consequence will vary. Trust your instincts to make the punishment fit the crime. A few years ago, we had to take our son\u2019s phone for a full month. It was hard on us all but it worked. He learned the privilege and responsible use of technology.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0Be consistent.<\/strong> If you say three weeks without a phone, keep to that \u201cprison term\u201d as hard as it may be for you and your family\u2019s digital lifestyle. If you stick to the consequence, you are likely to curb or stop the behavior and send the message that the rule will be enforced going forward.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0Write an essay.<\/strong> It sounds old school but essay writing in this world of impulse clicking has worked in our house. Parenting is all about teachable moments, so use this opportunity to educate. Have your child write a paper on the dangers of the behavior. Be it bullying, sexting, suggestive texting, racism, profanity, or gossip\u2014there are huge lessons to be learned through researching and writing. Remember many tweens and teens are simply na\u00efve to the power of the technology they hold and they simply don\u2019t know what they don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0Public tough love.<\/strong> I\u2019m not a fan of this approach but some parents believe in disciplining their kids publicly to teach them to respect the power and privilege of technology. One mom, it\u2019s reported, made her daughter post a photo of herself on Facebook holding a sign that read: \u201cI am no longer allowed on FB or my phone. Please ask why. My mom says I have to answer everyone that asks.\u201d<\/em> And who could forget the dad who shot up his daughter\u2019s laptop when she posted negative things about her parents online? Most of these stories make the rounds and have parents initially applauding the bravery (and creativity) of these parents but some parents argue that this approach teaches a child that mistakes online warrant public humiliation. Every situation and every punishment is different and, again, perhaps their child\u2019s latest online antic was the tipping point for these tough love parents.<\/p>\n

As new technology emerges our ninja parenting skills will be challenged to even higher levels. So whatever discipline route you choose, just remember, you are not alone. Every parent today is called to find that ever-elusive balance between discipline and grace in keeping kids safe online.<\/p>\n

What consequences have you tried in your home? Please share your wisdom!<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Toni Birdsong<\/em> is a Family Safety Evangelist<\/a> to McAfee<\/a>. You can find her on Twitter @SafeEyes<\/a>.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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